FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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