It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
