Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
