I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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