I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
