My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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