and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
