i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
