Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
