i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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