remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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