mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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