My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Randomize
