Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
