I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
