I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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