I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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