I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
