dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
