She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
