i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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