just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
