Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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