genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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