Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I am spending my child support on dildos
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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