I murdered the dance floor call the cops
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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