I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
