Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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