My liver just broke up with me...
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
