Apparently you make a good broom.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
