phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I don't deserve a penis
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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