I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
