I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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