Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
