i wish my penis had a tongue
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
