i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
