Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
