don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
someone owes me an orgasm
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
