he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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