she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
