i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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