Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
