we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
