listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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