life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
