he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
