Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
