Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
