You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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