The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
