for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
