I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
